Elusive Woman

Shower rain, she was an elusive woman.
And yesterday, my dear grandma passed away.
You know I dreamt about her the other day. She was wearing an orange daster, and her hair was held up high, real afro-like. Kinda like Marge from The Simpsons, but way sassier.
She wasn't like the sweet old grandma I know though.
In the dream, she was younger. Her hair was black, and she stood up straighter than usual.
And it's funny, she was so fierce. She reminded me of my mom. Mom said grandma used to be very stern towards her children. She said grandma used to be way grumpier too, *chuckle*.
But in the dream, I think I wasn't aware of that.

I saw her in her kitchen, and I went towards her, almost running.
I said, "grandma, grandma! Look! I'm here! I'm here for you!"
But she just gave me this blank, puzzled look. Then she told me to eat, because the food's ready.
It was so weird, and I was confused. So I said to her, again, "grandma, I'm here."
No response.
I think... my brain is just isn't capable of imagining the outcome of that scenario. It's like when I dreamt of a guy I like one day, we were hanging out in the mall. And every time I tried to talk to him, he won't say anything back. Perhaps it's because I have never actually talked to him before. My brain lacked the memory of him ever saying anything to me, the memory of the way he talks, his voice, even. Despite my claims of being his fan, in truth, I can't even recall how his voice sounded like.
But I digress.
My grandma looked like she lost her mind somewhere in that dream. Was it because my mom told me that she was also like that in the hospital? She was looking for me, she was asking where I was. She was saying that I didn't come to see her because I don't care about her. It was heartbreaking.
So, you know. I was hoping that, at least,  in my dreams, she would have at least looked happy to see me. It was my dream after all. My wishes in true life form, projected via images running through my brain. It should be that the dreams I see went on as I would have wanted it to, don't you think?
So I went home two weeks ago, to see her. Sailing through the sky, in a rush. Hoping that my presence, if anything, could trigger some sort of response from her, because she wasn't even capable of it anymore. I sure hope so. Everybody hoped so.
But she wasn't saying anything.
She wasn't doing anything.
All I can see from her face is pain, from all the cables put through her.
They even tied her hands, because she was said to repeatedly took them off with force... saying, "it hurts, I don't want it. It hurts."

I tried talking to her. Told her stories about how my life went about in Malang. Food's good. Studies, no problem. Friends are plenty and nice. Yes, I went to church. Things she used to ask me over and over when she was healthier. Boring stories, but just the one she'd like to hear.
Her eyes were glued shut.

I tried so hard not to cry.

The atmosphere was heavy. The beeping sounds from the machines got louder and louder every second. It feels like a glass could fall down any second, just to break the silence.
All the while I told myself over and over, "she was just sleeping. She was only fast asleep."
"She was only fast asleep."

For some reason I thought that maybe even if she couldn't say anything, she can still hear us. So I clenched my fist, bit my lip, and tried to swallow back my tears.

Only so she wouldn't hear me cry.
And smiled for the sake of those around me who couldn't.
Eventually, I left.

We had to take turns, and I needed to pack my things for my flight back to Malang the next day.

And here I am, back in the sky again.
Flying home. To her funeral.
Grandma, I'm so sorry I couldn't be there for you when you most needed me.
I'm so sorry...

1:53 PM
Passenger seat in Sriwijaya flight to CGK.
30 September 2015